MILKING SOME ALMONDS

Last updated on September 5th, 2019 at 07:26 pm

Yesterday was a special special day. It marks the first day I milked almonds and made amaaaaazing almond milk. Now I understand all the fuss about it. I tried once a store bought what I remember to be an almond drink and it just tasted like wood. Like someone chopped wood and put it in the carton with some sweetener. Not a great experience.

And now a little karaoke for you, in the style of Gloria Gaynor, please:

At first I was afraid,

I was petrified, kept thinking how can I milk almonds without nipples on both sides.

But then I spend so many nights thinking about milking them, I,

I had to try

and now I hold my cup so high!

Good times, the 80’s.

Turns out this almond milk is not as bad as the one that I had from the store, it’s actually extremely delicious. And I see a little obsession/hobby coming over – MILKING EVERYTHING!

Obviously nipples are not needed for milking.

Thank you for the wrong information, Focker!

Because of you I’ve been drinking cow milk like I’m still on a bottle. Which I was I think until I was like what…16 years old? Just kidding, until yesterday.

But true story – until the age of 4 I was living in the smallest village on the face of the Earth with my grandmother. The only thing I was eating and drinking at that time was milk (I guess goat milk, since we didn’t have cows there).

My grandmother used to put my milk in a huge beer bottle, which was emptied by someone else before that, and I assume it was washed afterwards (we didn’t have running water at that time in my village).

On top of the “clean” beer bottle there was a half-cut-off pacifier and I would drink from that bottle all day long.

For me milk was the only food existing on the planet and it was my main nutrient source at that time. I didn’t know you could eat other things, forget about drinking the milk of nuts.

Now, just a few years later (about 24) I’m milking almonds like there’s no tomorrow, I almost don’t eat dairy and I live in a city with more than 11 inhabitants.

Life is a surprise.

I’m thinking of milking everything else now – oats, hazelnuts, cashews…my mind is in overdrive. I need new milking-objects!!!

So many things to milk, so little time to milk them and so sole stomach! Why?? Why do we have only one stomach?

Now that I have all that milk, I can’t help but wonder what I should do with it? Usually I like to use plain water for everything – smoothies, desserts, breakfast…

I’m not gonna change my beliefs because the Universe blessed me with the talented hands of a milking Goddess.

But maybe I’ll try it in like a sauce in some savory dish? I love creamy dishes, that’s why I gained so much weight after all.

By the way I’m a little allergic to almonds. Well my face doesn’t swell up 3 sizes, when I eat raw almonds, but I do get some itching inside my mouth and inside my ears. And then I try to scratch inside my ears and then my mouth. Yummy! I bet it looks very attractive when I do that – I think it’s that special something about me.

But when I want to actually attract someone and eat nuts without scratching my ears and mouth I soak my nuts or bake them. This way all the allergic symptoms are gone. And now I can even be attractive while drinking milk of almonds – no itching, no trouble.

Soaking is also a good way to reduce the phytic acid content in nuts, grains and legumes. Phytic acid is quite the party pooper – it binds important nutrients like calcium, zinc and iron and those cannot be absorbed – which in the end might lead to deficiencies. So soak please!

And now that I’ve been milking nonstop for 2 days I have a lot of almond pulp. What’s going to happen with it? Maybe a dessert?